The Sad Bitch Field Guide to Trashy TV

For this subject we are asked to post a blog of personal interest, the sky being the limit. For the average person this is an inviting offer filled with possibility; however for someone like me, whose interests are primarily limited to bad puns and seeing how many Doritos I can fit in my mouth in one go, it’s obviously not going to be easy. Rather than centre an entire blog post on the process of asphyxiation via corn-chips, I’ve reverted to my usual night-time perusal of YouTube as a form of inspiration, which tends to lead me to the same domain- sections of trashy television shows that feature the worst kind of people: the I-live-in-the-first-world-but-still-consider-not-having-the-lastest-Iphone-as-borderline-povety kind of people.
 

Accurate photo representation of how I plan to arrive at any party

There is just something so satisfying about someone absolutely giving it to the little twit who thinks his parents are neglectful if they don’t get a Jeep for their Sweet 16^th; or the expression of surprise usually found on a girl after being told that tights are not in fact pants. Without delving into the black hole of American Reality Television (such as Keeping Up with the Kardashians, My Super Sweet 16^th and The Real Housewives of approximately seven highly embarrassed major US Cities) in this blog post I will instead introduce one of my personal favourite pieces of pop-culture trash, freshly out of the swirling cesspool that’s modern media. 

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: A Great Moment for Humanity

 

Snog Marry Avoid is a British television series centred on, not a make-over, but a make-under. Taking Britain’s trashiest girls right out of Geordie Shore and turning them into a roaring (or rather, boring) crowd of Plain Jane’s, Snog Marry Avoid has some of those jaw-dropping worthy contestants, that look like they've overdosed on glitter, foundation and hair extensions, and who presumable use a paint roller to apply their orange fake tans. All modesty is thrown out the window, with the preference of nipple tassels and strips of material in favour of a shirt. The show is dedicated to ‘natural beauty,’ although I must confess the results of the make-under are hilariously underwhelming- with the sudden switch to frumpy clothing, awful haircuts and unflattering make-up, there is little wonder the majority of the contestants have reverted to their Priscilla: Queen of the Desert ways within the week.

Bra Slings: For when you strain your breasts!

 

There are always lessons to be learnt about overdoing it, however Snog Marry Avoid and the orchestrator of the make-under ‘POD’ (Personal Overhaul Device) - a talking screen which takes pleasure in insulting the make-underees- tend to make even the viewer’s consider whether they themselves are slaves to fakery because of that one time you tried fake eyelashes and was actually pleased with the results. The results are also centred to how physically pleasing you are to the male population, who, from their appearance in the video footage, seem to need a bit of a make-over themselves, or at the least a shower and shave. 

The show often takes to the streets with an unflattering photo of the make-underee, asking the Average Joe (read here: mediocre looking male) the same question; Would you snog, marry or avoid this girl? The vast majority of the answers are 'avoid,' however we all know that in an nightclub the same men would be drooling after the same flesh-baring, orange-tinged girls, with little thought about how ruined their sheets will be the next morning. However once the accused trollops are given the wardrobe of a primary school librarian, the answers magically are all 'snog' or 'marry' (as if the producers edited it or something?).

 

From Geordie Show Inspiration ...

P.s I love you Charlotte (The one in the process of passing out)

To a Snooze-Worthy Transformation

Surprisingly, despite the contestants all being of a similar target group: early-to-mid-twenties, mediocre job, ashamed parents and enjoys clubbing and getting inebriated; the target audience is at the other end of the spectrum. The show is almost a scare tactic to frighten young girls into looking as mundane as possible, because looking average is apparently the best way to get a man. Although I love the over-the-top contestants and the underwhelming results, there really is no middle ground in this domain- you’re either a Drag Queen or Plain Jane; take your pick. I personally do have a slight obsession with make-up (can the perfect winged eyeliner ever be achieved, and what is the technique to achieve this??), and coming from someone who without makeup, looks like a twelve-year-old boy, the constant shaming of anyone who puts any effort into their appearance or shows off any skin in their attire as being dubbed 'trashy' certainly has a negative effect on the audience.

Mila Kunis: Living proof that Black Eyeliner can be done right

The moral of this blog post is that television shows such as Snog Marry Avoid shouldn't seek to scare young women into looking like their nannas, and that individuality, to a certain extent, can be a great thing. That and some people need their black eye shadow privileges taken away. Remember, there's no shame in being fake; just don't let anyone know it.