Sad Bitch Guide to Immortals

Here is a collection of photos of women who don't age and are probably vampires, or practice in black magic or something

Madonna

Jennifer Aniston (maybe being dumped for Angelina Jolie does something for your complexion?)

Gwen Stefani (too hot for 44)

Come on now Meryl this is just ridiculous

I'm clearly just running out of ideas and no longer care enough to write things that are substantial.

Sorry

Sad Bitch Guide to The Hipster Movement

Hipsters.

We've all heard of them. Seen them. Rolled our eyes at them and hold our breath around them in fear of our hygiene. But what is a 'Hipster' and why are they taking over the world as we know it?

First, lets look at the physical appearance of the typical 'hipster'- the fashion brands of the well-off-middle-class, yet the maintenance and general grooming of a homeless person. How does the twisted oxymoron, born of the worlds dumbest statement come to be in a society where we have been taught showering is important since the age of three? 

Plaid, beards and beanies as far as the eye can see

One could say that a hipster is the revolutionary figure that deems themselves to be the poetic 'Individual in Society,' who rises against conformity to be the ever existential 'other.' A Hipster would define itself (I use the pronoun 'It' due to my theory that hipsters are not actually human beings) as being 'different' and 'unique.' However my personal summation of a hipster would be:

Hipster (n). a proud breed, the Hipster is a degenerated form of the typical 1967 American Hippy, noted for their strong stance against conformity, but still own the latest Apple iPhone model. This figure can often be seen wearing overly expensive clothes but often abstains from utilizing traditional hygiene techniques. The typical hipster can often be identified by their inability to discriminate between seasonal clothing, perplexing hatred of footwear and an obsession with looking like a member of the opposite sex. The hipster can often be found in universities, public libraries, Apple stores or anywhere with free WiFi.

Spot the difference

Essentially a Hipster is someone who believes that they are too 'individual' and everything considered to be 'mainstream' is overrated. However, in an ironic twist in events, the Hipster is no longer an individualistic movement- the notion of being an individual in society has become mainstream- thus society itself is becoming a reflection of Hipsterdom. From this the Hipster attitude extends to create the 'Alpha Hipster;' a figure who follows every 'trend' before it becomes a 'trend'- at least that is there claim. Here lies the problem: Hipsters have formed through what I call 'The Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement,' making it  close relation to the 'Common White Girl.' In simple terms, those born under the 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' tend to think the solar system revolves around them (like this year when Joe Hockey introduced the 2014 Australian budget and everyone started complaining because they would stop getting free money and have to start paying $7 to see the doctors? Oh the outrage of having to actually pay for services and work for money.)

The Struggle is Real

Now this isn't a mainstream post about how everything must revolve around conformity (although I will openly admit I love mainstream- from fashion trends to music to food, I will wear, listen to, and eat whatever I like, and not based off whether or not it is trendy), because things that are alternative are just as wonderful and creative- but there is a difference between creative and fresh alternative music, fashion and food and having different views on society without being a pretentious wanker.

The 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' needs to end, so I hereby list of my 'Alternative Guidelines.'

Acceptable

-If you drink Coffee that's fine, but no one cares about the Starbucks logo

-Instagram is a great form of social media,but hold off on posting a photo of Every. Goddamn. Meal.

-Winter wear is acceptable, but only in winter.

-A Mac Laptop is fine to own, but may God have mercy on your soul if you own a $2000 laptop but have no shoes on in public

-Owning an iPhone and Apple Products is practical, but this doesn't mean you go out and buy the iPhone 6 when you have a perfectly good iPhone 5s, and iPhone 5, and 4s and so on.

-Leggings  are not acceptable (Ever.)

-Neither are Uggs (unless you are at home and in winter)

-Nutella is delicious so this is allowed

-Raw Foods are disgusting and unnatural for human consumption

-Arctic Monkey's, Lana Del Ray, Lorde, Birdy, Ed Sheeran are perfectly acceptable alternative artists

-If a bands music sounds like saucepans being banged together, then odds are is someone just got high and started banging saucepans together

-Hygiene is important- for the sake of everyone, have a shower. And shower daily.

Lies

Never Forget.

I know some people out there will disagree with me ($10 says that person is either wearing new-but-worn-out-looking clothes or is a girl who wore bindis on her head to a music festival recently), but its my blog and I will campaign to end bad hygiene until the day I die.

Sad Bitch Guide to Covering War/Trauma

I was relatively excited for this week’s lecture on ‘Covering War’ (and by relatively excited I mean I was only 10 minutes late to class that morning). Strangely enough I've always found war reporting to be the major form of journalism that I am interested in (other than being a column or feature article writer where I can blast my opinions). Maybe because I watch too many action/war movies, but it’s a totally thrilling concept of being in a war torn country and documenting social upheavals, death, destruction and other psychologically damaging events (which the movies oddly never seem to touch on?).

But the main issue that comes into this is of psychological damage.

No one ever seems to touch on the effects of war, on both soldiers and the journalists/ photojournalists that experience once they come back. And not just in war, but in any traumatic event- such as natural disasters, crimes, epidemics, crashes and terrorists attacks.

So in terrific media fashion, here are the things movies, televisions shows and books have taught me about surviving any form of traumatic event

-You will most definitely survive a mass weather disaster if you are attractive, have a camera in hand or are Jake Gyllenhaal -The Day After Tomorrow

-You will find a way to get rid of that asteroid moments before it hits the Earth, even though the whole process is completely illogical and Bruce Willis can't pull off being a scientist -Armageddon

-Always ignore the trained professional who tells you that a dormant volcano directly next to your town is about to erupt- he doesn't know anything- Dante's Peak

-Aliens that managed to kill half the human race in a matter of hours haven't mastered the concept of hygiene and avoiding bacteria yet, so Tom Cruise is safe for another day -War of the Worlds

-Large cruise ships don't carry enough life boats - Titanic

-If you live in a large metropolitan city in America, good luck- every bad disaster movie ever

-We're gonna be doin` one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis: Also Brad Pitt can pull of the Texam psycho killer character as being cool. He also looks dashing with a mustache- Inglorious Basterds

-Liam Neelson is perpetually 'The Man'- Schindler's List

-The soldiers on the opposing side are the worst shooters ever... unless it comes to shooting your best friend, then their aim is perfect- any war movie ever

-If you're a teenager and someone invades your country, you should definitely form a guerrilla group- Tomorrow When the War Began

-Run faster you Bastard- Gallipoli

-If there is a disaster or a war, and you are working with an attractive member of the opposite sex, the death and destruction will definitely force them to lower their standards to go out with you- every movie directed by someone who is haunted by their high-school rejection by the popular kid.

I definitely watch too many movies, however I'm going to assume that the media coverage of war zones is limited quite like the foregrounding in movies.

For a war zone to make the Western  Media, there are certain qualifications to achieve regarding death and destruction

Essentially the formula goes:
10,000 Muslims = 1,000 Asians = 100 non-English speaking Europeans = 50 English Speaking Westerners = 1 White American

However if a battle has the potential to spark the much-hyped World War III (what a great movie would that make!) then the story will be all over the news for about a fortnight until everyone gets board and starts reporting on the story of a man on a surfboard getting hit by a dolphin. (See North Korea, See Syria, See Russia, See majority of Africa, See the Middle East for approximately 20 years)

Essentially if you are a White American, preferably middle-to-upper-class, famous would be better, then congratulations! News of your death will reach all corners of the globe and we'll probably hear about it for the next three years. If you are non-English speaking, non-Christian background, poor with a dark-complexion- sorry better luck next time.

Sad Bitch Guide to the Tights-as-Pants Crisis

I've said it once, I will say it again- tights are not pants.

This abomination was once designed with the destiny to warm women's legs so they can still wear reasonably length dresses and skirts well into winter, however fate took a turn for the worst when bad dressers everywhere replaced actual pants with tights and failed to incorporate another item of clothing over top. 

 Preach

It hasn't stopped there.

Young girls and women everywhere choose to incorporate crop tops with their see-through leggings, in order to really accentuate their camel toe. And plus since tights are usually worn in winter, what better way to keep warm then to wear half a shirt. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a post against crop tops- they are a great invention but if you're not going to meet it half way and wear something either high waisted or relatively long (not tights) then you might as well slip on some thigh-high boots and call yourself a streetwalker (only wearing a quarter of the recommended amount of clothing isn't high-fashion, its just over-sized underwear).

Nothing quite like camel toe in the morning.

As for tights with rips up the sides- Just No.

 They found a way to make tights worse- R.I.P to Rips.

I have worked at a shopping center for three years, and every time I have worked for the extended trading hours on a Thursday (often called 'Late Night,' to make the fourteen-year-old's feel cool for staying out until 9pm), and out of the thousands of girls wearing these broken leggings, I have never seen someone look good in them- usually I just assume they tried to fit into Size XXS at Supre, but just called it a day when their legs didn't fit and ripped the seams.

Let me be fully honest- I think girls - all shapes, sizes and appearances- are beautiful (My sexuality has been questioned by Katy Perry a few times now). But the fact that we live in 2014 and we are still to scared to fit beyond a size 8 is absolutely ridiculous. 

Some people are naturally skinny and happen to fit size 6 and size 8. That doesn't mean that women who are size 10 and 12 aren't just as attractive, and it certainly doesn't mean women 14, 16, 18 and + aren't incredibly beautiful either. 

 There are pros and cons of every size, but not one of them is better than the rest

We all strive to fit in clothing all because the number on the tag looks more appealing- believe it or not, even a slim size 6 girl won't look good in every outfit she tries on. 

It can feel depressing when all of your friends around you are short and skinny, whilst you not only have curves, but also reach nearly six feet in height; but they way you look does not define who you are or how you should be. 

But no matter how thin you are, or thick, or tall or short- tights are never the answer. By working together we can end the tights-as-pants crisis, along with global warming.

Remember, just because it zips doesn't always mean it fits.

 

I'm just going to leave this here

Sad Bitch Guide to the Lingerie Football

I'm going to go against everything intrinsically feminist and say the controversial Legends Football League is probably one of the greatest sporting initiatives of the century.

The Legends Football League, or 'Lingerie Football' as it has been dubbed as a more obvious description, originated in the early 2000s as a pay-per-view alternative Super Bowl half-time show for horny old men. Proving quite quickly to be successful (for obvious reasons), the original 'Lingerie Bowl' soon graduated to the Lingerie Football League, and eventually dubbed the Legends Football League (the name is probably as modest as the game gets). 

The game, which follows a modified version of American Gridiron, is a  7-on-7 women tackle football league, which, as the very name suggests, is played  in lingerie. The barely-there uniform, involving various forms of suggestive 'performance apparel'- which is basically they same uniform as the underwear previously minus the extra lace- and extends to a hockey-style helmet, altered shoulder guards, knee-pads, and elbow pads. 

The garter is my personal favourite piece of 'performance apparel' 

As, with anything that depicts any human as a sexual being (ignoring the fact that even the Bible stimulates this is what we all are), the LFL was obviously met with criticism. Considered a brand of live soft-core pornography, the players are compared to objects and supposedly 'degraded', however critics seem to forget that the women who play in the LFL choose to play, well aware of what the uniform is comprised off. There is a strange feminist stigma associated with women who take part in anything that displays femininity or represents sexuality. 

More and more feminists are sucked into the fiery world of misandry (the counter theory of misogyny-  a hatred of men)

The stigma of sexuality runs deep, particularly in a world where sex sells. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with women who chose to take the majority of their clothes off and play football (and not in a totally lesbian way). There is a strength in these women who play a traditionally male game and still keep their femininity. Unfortunately in the sporting world, in order to be taken seriously as athletes, sportswomen everywhere forsake their femininity. During the 2012 Olympic Games, 800 metre Kenyan female runner Caster Semenya had her gender called into question due to her masculine appearance. To break this down, someones womanhood was questions because her body (one of a professional athlete) was considered to be too masculine, and her hair as cut short, like most other woman athletes/women over 40. To have your gender discussed in a global debate is probably not the most endearing thing in the world. It goes without saying Semenya was cleared for competition as a woman, probably due to her lack of penis.

Semenya, whose gender was called into question due to her lack of breasts and excessive facial hair when in reality it was due to a sports bra and because waxing is overrated (Women get facial hair too! Jerks.)

Considering the sporting world (a traditionally male domain) prevents women athletes from being feminine and tough, I admire the players of the LFL, who along with looking fantastic, can scare the crap out of me from how hard they can tackle. It proves that a woman can be strong and sexy without cutting all of her hair off and denying the existence of boobs. 

Sexy but in a totally intimidating way. Plus I admire anyone who can still look good after running and being tackled for 80 minutes- My power walk resembles waddling and can barely make it up a flight of stairs without going red.

The majority of the women who play with the LFL are primarily just happy to be playing football at all, let alone televised, that the majority of the players don't really care about what they are wearing. The uniforms are relatively comparable to the attire of beach volleyball players, who, once again, despite a well-informed knowledge that the uniform is compiled of approximately 6 inches of material, choose to participate anyway.

I understand many people will ask why women cannot play sport wearing actually clothing, which is perfectly legitimate. But spectator sports, such as lingerie football, are based around the principal that sex sells. I personally don't understand why the notion of a woman's sexuality is rejected and considered a social taboo. You never hear of Men's Rights group up in arms about the annual Men of League calender (the release date pretty much warrants a national holiday), so why are woman not allowed to rip their clothes off and show everyone just how sexy, scary and sporty they can be all at once. 

To the players of the LFL, I salute you. If you got it, flaunt it.

I also salute to the NRL players featured in the annual Men of League Calender. 

I'm okay with this on so many levels. John Williams marry me

The Sad Bitch Field Guide to Trashy TV

For this subject we are asked to post a blog of personal interest, the sky being the limit. For the average person this is an inviting offer filled with possibility; however for someone like me, whose interests are primarily limited to bad puns and seeing how many Doritos I can fit in my mouth in one go, it’s obviously not going to be easy. Rather than centre an entire blog post on the process of asphyxiation via corn-chips, I’ve reverted to my usual night-time perusal of YouTube as a form of inspiration, which tends to lead me to the same domain- sections of trashy television shows that feature the worst kind of people: the I-live-in-the-first-world-but-still-consider-not-having-the-lastest-Iphone-as-borderline-povety kind of people.
 

Accurate photo representation of how I plan to arrive at any party

There is just something so satisfying about someone absolutely giving it to the little twit who thinks his parents are neglectful if they don’t get a Jeep for their Sweet 16^th; or the expression of surprise usually found on a girl after being told that tights are not in fact pants. Without delving into the black hole of American Reality Television (such as Keeping Up with the Kardashians, My Super Sweet 16^th and The Real Housewives of approximately seven highly embarrassed major US Cities) in this blog post I will instead introduce one of my personal favourite pieces of pop-culture trash, freshly out of the swirling cesspool that’s modern media. 

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: A Great Moment for Humanity

 

Snog Marry Avoid is a British television series centred on, not a make-over, but a make-under. Taking Britain’s trashiest girls right out of Geordie Shore and turning them into a roaring (or rather, boring) crowd of Plain Jane’s, Snog Marry Avoid has some of those jaw-dropping worthy contestants, that look like they've overdosed on glitter, foundation and hair extensions, and who presumable use a paint roller to apply their orange fake tans. All modesty is thrown out the window, with the preference of nipple tassels and strips of material in favour of a shirt. The show is dedicated to ‘natural beauty,’ although I must confess the results of the make-under are hilariously underwhelming- with the sudden switch to frumpy clothing, awful haircuts and unflattering make-up, there is little wonder the majority of the contestants have reverted to their Priscilla: Queen of the Desert ways within the week.

Bra Slings: For when you strain your breasts!

 

There are always lessons to be learnt about overdoing it, however Snog Marry Avoid and the orchestrator of the make-under ‘POD’ (Personal Overhaul Device) - a talking screen which takes pleasure in insulting the make-underees- tend to make even the viewer’s consider whether they themselves are slaves to fakery because of that one time you tried fake eyelashes and was actually pleased with the results. The results are also centred to how physically pleasing you are to the male population, who, from their appearance in the video footage, seem to need a bit of a make-over themselves, or at the least a shower and shave. 

The show often takes to the streets with an unflattering photo of the make-underee, asking the Average Joe (read here: mediocre looking male) the same question; Would you snog, marry or avoid this girl? The vast majority of the answers are 'avoid,' however we all know that in an nightclub the same men would be drooling after the same flesh-baring, orange-tinged girls, with little thought about how ruined their sheets will be the next morning. However once the accused trollops are given the wardrobe of a primary school librarian, the answers magically are all 'snog' or 'marry' (as if the producers edited it or something?).

 

From Geordie Show Inspiration ...

P.s I love you Charlotte (The one in the process of passing out)

To a Snooze-Worthy Transformation

Surprisingly, despite the contestants all being of a similar target group: early-to-mid-twenties, mediocre job, ashamed parents and enjoys clubbing and getting inebriated; the target audience is at the other end of the spectrum. The show is almost a scare tactic to frighten young girls into looking as mundane as possible, because looking average is apparently the best way to get a man. Although I love the over-the-top contestants and the underwhelming results, there really is no middle ground in this domain- you’re either a Drag Queen or Plain Jane; take your pick. I personally do have a slight obsession with make-up (can the perfect winged eyeliner ever be achieved, and what is the technique to achieve this??), and coming from someone who without makeup, looks like a twelve-year-old boy, the constant shaming of anyone who puts any effort into their appearance or shows off any skin in their attire as being dubbed 'trashy' certainly has a negative effect on the audience.

Mila Kunis: Living proof that Black Eyeliner can be done right

The moral of this blog post is that television shows such as Snog Marry Avoid shouldn't seek to scare young women into looking like their nannas, and that individuality, to a certain extent, can be a great thing. That and some people need their black eye shadow privileges taken away. Remember, there's no shame in being fake; just don't let anyone know it.