Sad Bitch Guide to the Church of Pitbull

I don't usually get spiritual in public, but I feel there is a Religious figure who is often Sidelined, a leader like no other, a God who needs to be brought into the light.

Welcome to the Gospel according to Pitbull.

Hail the Messiah

Now I am sure many of you are wondering, what is this amazing religion and where do I sign up??

First I will take you through the steps of what it means to worship under the faith of Pitbull.

The Church of Pitbull was established in 1981 after Pitbull returned to the Earth after spending 23 years in space chilling out. He entered the Earth's atmosphere by sliding down a rainbow waterfall from the moon and upon arrival made it rain bitches. 

Key Beliefs

Pitbull created the heaven and the earth on the first-fourth day, and it was hella rocking

On the fifth day Pitbull said 'Where my Party People at?" and mankind was created

On the sixth day Pitbull partied, and created the Seventh day, the Sabbath, to rest and praise Pitbull for the hangover you have received through his blessed partying.

There is no one better than Pitbull

There is one and only one Pitbull

You will worship only the one Pitbull and no other

All pitciples are created equal.

Those who practice the teachings of Pitbull will go to an afterlife pool party to be surprised with alcoholic beverages and bikini models.

Amen

Teachings of the Church of Pitbull

Make it rain ca$h money

Party with others how you would like to be partied with

Remember the Party Date

Thou shall not covert his neighbours bitches

Thou shall not kill the party vibe

Honour thy host and thy host's home

Thou shall not bear false witness to the awesomeness of the party

Rituals

Friday and Saturday Night are clubbing nights

Partying on a boat will gain you extra Pit-points

If you are a women, the less clothes the better

If you are a man, suit up

Pool Parties are never a bad idea

Body Shots are the new Holy Water

Pit-Points

Traditional Prayer

Oh Pitbull,

We humbly thank you for this heavenly party you have given us,

We thank you for almost making up believe that Latin people qualify as being black,

Your incorporation of rhyming words with themselves inspires our creative flow,

We thank you for our 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, floor,

In your name we aspire to be packing ca$h money

In the name of the T-Pain, the J-Lo and the Enrique Inglesias, 

Amen

Those assembled must shout the name of a random European city and fist pump thrice in unison

The Church according to Pitbull prides itself for being the music of choice to embarrassing drunk White Girls across the 7 continents of the world, and convincing a generation that one person can be White, Latino and Black all at once #nationsunite

The Church of Pitbull extends to the major areas of life-

Environment (It's going down, I'm yellin Timber)

Health Care (Don't stop, keep it moving, put your drinks up!)

Budget (ca$h money)

Education (100 problems - 1 bitch = 99 problems)

Human Rights (Shake shake, just shake shake)

For those who think they are lonely; for those who feel they don't get paid enough to jump around in a bikini, and for those white guys who want to be taken seriously as a rapper, Pitbull is here for you.

Pitbull is my God, and I hope he will be your God too.