Sad Bitch Guide to The Hipster Movement

Hipsters.

We've all heard of them. Seen them. Rolled our eyes at them and hold our breath around them in fear of our hygiene. But what is a 'Hipster' and why are they taking over the world as we know it?

First, lets look at the physical appearance of the typical 'hipster'- the fashion brands of the well-off-middle-class, yet the maintenance and general grooming of a homeless person. How does the twisted oxymoron, born of the worlds dumbest statement come to be in a society where we have been taught showering is important since the age of three? 

Plaid, beards and beanies as far as the eye can see

One could say that a hipster is the revolutionary figure that deems themselves to be the poetic 'Individual in Society,' who rises against conformity to be the ever existential 'other.' A Hipster would define itself (I use the pronoun 'It' due to my theory that hipsters are not actually human beings) as being 'different' and 'unique.' However my personal summation of a hipster would be:

Hipster (n). a proud breed, the Hipster is a degenerated form of the typical 1967 American Hippy, noted for their strong stance against conformity, but still own the latest Apple iPhone model. This figure can often be seen wearing overly expensive clothes but often abstains from utilizing traditional hygiene techniques. The typical hipster can often be identified by their inability to discriminate between seasonal clothing, perplexing hatred of footwear and an obsession with looking like a member of the opposite sex. The hipster can often be found in universities, public libraries, Apple stores or anywhere with free WiFi.

Spot the difference

Essentially a Hipster is someone who believes that they are too 'individual' and everything considered to be 'mainstream' is overrated. However, in an ironic twist in events, the Hipster is no longer an individualistic movement- the notion of being an individual in society has become mainstream- thus society itself is becoming a reflection of Hipsterdom. From this the Hipster attitude extends to create the 'Alpha Hipster;' a figure who follows every 'trend' before it becomes a 'trend'- at least that is there claim. Here lies the problem: Hipsters have formed through what I call 'The Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement,' making it  close relation to the 'Common White Girl.' In simple terms, those born under the 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' tend to think the solar system revolves around them (like this year when Joe Hockey introduced the 2014 Australian budget and everyone started complaining because they would stop getting free money and have to start paying $7 to see the doctors? Oh the outrage of having to actually pay for services and work for money.)

The Struggle is Real

Now this isn't a mainstream post about how everything must revolve around conformity (although I will openly admit I love mainstream- from fashion trends to music to food, I will wear, listen to, and eat whatever I like, and not based off whether or not it is trendy), because things that are alternative are just as wonderful and creative- but there is a difference between creative and fresh alternative music, fashion and food and having different views on society without being a pretentious wanker.

The 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' needs to end, so I hereby list of my 'Alternative Guidelines.'

Acceptable

-If you drink Coffee that's fine, but no one cares about the Starbucks logo

-Instagram is a great form of social media,but hold off on posting a photo of Every. Goddamn. Meal.

-Winter wear is acceptable, but only in winter.

-A Mac Laptop is fine to own, but may God have mercy on your soul if you own a $2000 laptop but have no shoes on in public

-Owning an iPhone and Apple Products is practical, but this doesn't mean you go out and buy the iPhone 6 when you have a perfectly good iPhone 5s, and iPhone 5, and 4s and so on.

-Leggings  are not acceptable (Ever.)

-Neither are Uggs (unless you are at home and in winter)

-Nutella is delicious so this is allowed

-Raw Foods are disgusting and unnatural for human consumption

-Arctic Monkey's, Lana Del Ray, Lorde, Birdy, Ed Sheeran are perfectly acceptable alternative artists

-If a bands music sounds like saucepans being banged together, then odds are is someone just got high and started banging saucepans together

-Hygiene is important- for the sake of everyone, have a shower. And shower daily.

Lies

Never Forget.

I know some people out there will disagree with me ($10 says that person is either wearing new-but-worn-out-looking clothes or is a girl who wore bindis on her head to a music festival recently), but its my blog and I will campaign to end bad hygiene until the day I die.