Sad Bitch Guide to Immortals

Here is a collection of photos of women who don't age and are probably vampires, or practice in black magic or something

Madonna

Jennifer Aniston (maybe being dumped for Angelina Jolie does something for your complexion?)

Gwen Stefani (too hot for 44)

Come on now Meryl this is just ridiculous

I'm clearly just running out of ideas and no longer care enough to write things that are substantial.

Sorry

Sad Bitch Guide to The Hipster Movement

Hipsters.

We've all heard of them. Seen them. Rolled our eyes at them and hold our breath around them in fear of our hygiene. But what is a 'Hipster' and why are they taking over the world as we know it?

First, lets look at the physical appearance of the typical 'hipster'- the fashion brands of the well-off-middle-class, yet the maintenance and general grooming of a homeless person. How does the twisted oxymoron, born of the worlds dumbest statement come to be in a society where we have been taught showering is important since the age of three? 

Plaid, beards and beanies as far as the eye can see

One could say that a hipster is the revolutionary figure that deems themselves to be the poetic 'Individual in Society,' who rises against conformity to be the ever existential 'other.' A Hipster would define itself (I use the pronoun 'It' due to my theory that hipsters are not actually human beings) as being 'different' and 'unique.' However my personal summation of a hipster would be:

Hipster (n). a proud breed, the Hipster is a degenerated form of the typical 1967 American Hippy, noted for their strong stance against conformity, but still own the latest Apple iPhone model. This figure can often be seen wearing overly expensive clothes but often abstains from utilizing traditional hygiene techniques. The typical hipster can often be identified by their inability to discriminate between seasonal clothing, perplexing hatred of footwear and an obsession with looking like a member of the opposite sex. The hipster can often be found in universities, public libraries, Apple stores or anywhere with free WiFi.

Spot the difference

Essentially a Hipster is someone who believes that they are too 'individual' and everything considered to be 'mainstream' is overrated. However, in an ironic twist in events, the Hipster is no longer an individualistic movement- the notion of being an individual in society has become mainstream- thus society itself is becoming a reflection of Hipsterdom. From this the Hipster attitude extends to create the 'Alpha Hipster;' a figure who follows every 'trend' before it becomes a 'trend'- at least that is there claim. Here lies the problem: Hipsters have formed through what I call 'The Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement,' making it  close relation to the 'Common White Girl.' In simple terms, those born under the 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' tend to think the solar system revolves around them (like this year when Joe Hockey introduced the 2014 Australian budget and everyone started complaining because they would stop getting free money and have to start paying $7 to see the doctors? Oh the outrage of having to actually pay for services and work for money.)

The Struggle is Real

Now this isn't a mainstream post about how everything must revolve around conformity (although I will openly admit I love mainstream- from fashion trends to music to food, I will wear, listen to, and eat whatever I like, and not based off whether or not it is trendy), because things that are alternative are just as wonderful and creative- but there is a difference between creative and fresh alternative music, fashion and food and having different views on society without being a pretentious wanker.

The 'Age of Narcissistic Self-Entitlement' needs to end, so I hereby list of my 'Alternative Guidelines.'

Acceptable

-If you drink Coffee that's fine, but no one cares about the Starbucks logo

-Instagram is a great form of social media,but hold off on posting a photo of Every. Goddamn. Meal.

-Winter wear is acceptable, but only in winter.

-A Mac Laptop is fine to own, but may God have mercy on your soul if you own a $2000 laptop but have no shoes on in public

-Owning an iPhone and Apple Products is practical, but this doesn't mean you go out and buy the iPhone 6 when you have a perfectly good iPhone 5s, and iPhone 5, and 4s and so on.

-Leggings  are not acceptable (Ever.)

-Neither are Uggs (unless you are at home and in winter)

-Nutella is delicious so this is allowed

-Raw Foods are disgusting and unnatural for human consumption

-Arctic Monkey's, Lana Del Ray, Lorde, Birdy, Ed Sheeran are perfectly acceptable alternative artists

-If a bands music sounds like saucepans being banged together, then odds are is someone just got high and started banging saucepans together

-Hygiene is important- for the sake of everyone, have a shower. And shower daily.

Lies

Never Forget.

I know some people out there will disagree with me ($10 says that person is either wearing new-but-worn-out-looking clothes or is a girl who wore bindis on her head to a music festival recently), but its my blog and I will campaign to end bad hygiene until the day I die.

Sad Bitch Guide to Ethics

Throughout high school I always opted for the subject of Religious Education over a real subject (I went to a Catholic school, so some form of religion had to be studied). I mainly chose that subject, not only because the main form of assessment was colouring in pictures of Jesus, but also I could sleep in class without anyone noticing (I had a great maneuver that enabled me to sleep in 90% of my classes in year 12 without detection). However there came a time when we actually had to do something that could be relatively considered work (sort of), and it actually interested me (when I was awake that is.) That unit was Ethics.

My Year Twelve Religion Assignment

Now I, like many people, have gone through changes in my life whereby my ethics have changed, mainly as a way of justifying awful decisions I have made. For example, when I was younger, roughly twelve or thirteen, swearing was just about the absolute worst thing you could do around me. Enter now where I use what many could consider to be offensive vernacular, even in my university assignments. My ethical opinion concerning swearing- "Its just words, its the context of the situation that designates it to be offensive"- actual argument made by me.

Now because I'm in a journalism subject I have to relate ethics to this area, which funnily is the major reason I feel I couldn't be a news journalist. We spoke in our lecture about ranging ethical situations, the major question being "When do our ethics allow us to be journalists, and when do we stop being journalists?"

I believe in accountability, loyalty and (probably my best and worst quality) always trying to help people. And no matter what the role I have is, I don't think there could ever be a situation whereby I could deliberately ignore these ethics just for the purpose of a news story. Example A)- when the worst kind of media scum willfully invade the personal lives of a victim of crime, or their families, for the purpose of a distasteful headline. Is destroying someone else life really worth a byline on the front page? 

The symbol of rebellion against the 2009 Iranian Election- Mistaken Identity

Lets look at Exhibit A) the case of Iranian women Neda Soltani, who became the face of the Iranian rebellion against the 2009 election that looked rigged as hell. The above women, Neda Agha-Soltan, was getting out of her car next to a peaceful protest turned not-so-peaceful, ultimately getting shot by Iranian police. Of course someone caught this scene on their camera phone, capturing Soltan in a compromising 'martyr' image. A thirty second Facebook search was deemed 'research' by a Western Journalist, who deemed a women named Neda Soltani was 'close-enough' to the dead women, and then posted her face and name all over the news.

Close Enough

Soltani, an English teacher who was very much alive, was plastered over the world news as a martyr, As a result she was then hunted down by the Iran government and had to bribe her way out of her own country, spending time in a German refugee camp, simply because no one Facebook messaged her "Hey, are you the dead girl?"

There was no accountability here, and very little ethical judgement about what this could do to this woman's life, especially in a dangerous and corrupt country.

Exhibit B) Kevin Carter's controversial photo 'Sudanese Girl,' which captures a starving Sudanese girl in the African heat whilst a vulture watches on. Carter watched the starving girl for twenty minutes hoping to get a photo of the vulture behind her to spread its wings.Carter later committed suicide after receiving world wide criticism for doing nothing to help the child. 

The fateful photo

Media has the ability to destroy someones life, ruin someones reputation and slander someones very name. Some perhaps could justify wreaking havoc on someone else's life for a news photo or news headline, but unfortunately for my journalism career, that's something my ethics could never allow me to do.

Chris Jefferies- accused by the British media of murdering his tenant because he looks weird

Sad Bitch Guide to Covering War/Trauma

I was relatively excited for this week’s lecture on ‘Covering War’ (and by relatively excited I mean I was only 10 minutes late to class that morning). Strangely enough I've always found war reporting to be the major form of journalism that I am interested in (other than being a column or feature article writer where I can blast my opinions). Maybe because I watch too many action/war movies, but it’s a totally thrilling concept of being in a war torn country and documenting social upheavals, death, destruction and other psychologically damaging events (which the movies oddly never seem to touch on?).

But the main issue that comes into this is of psychological damage.

No one ever seems to touch on the effects of war, on both soldiers and the journalists/ photojournalists that experience once they come back. And not just in war, but in any traumatic event- such as natural disasters, crimes, epidemics, crashes and terrorists attacks.

So in terrific media fashion, here are the things movies, televisions shows and books have taught me about surviving any form of traumatic event

-You will most definitely survive a mass weather disaster if you are attractive, have a camera in hand or are Jake Gyllenhaal -The Day After Tomorrow

-You will find a way to get rid of that asteroid moments before it hits the Earth, even though the whole process is completely illogical and Bruce Willis can't pull off being a scientist -Armageddon

-Always ignore the trained professional who tells you that a dormant volcano directly next to your town is about to erupt- he doesn't know anything- Dante's Peak

-Aliens that managed to kill half the human race in a matter of hours haven't mastered the concept of hygiene and avoiding bacteria yet, so Tom Cruise is safe for another day -War of the Worlds

-Large cruise ships don't carry enough life boats - Titanic

-If you live in a large metropolitan city in America, good luck- every bad disaster movie ever

-We're gonna be doin` one thing and one thing only... killin' Nazis: Also Brad Pitt can pull of the Texam psycho killer character as being cool. He also looks dashing with a mustache- Inglorious Basterds

-Liam Neelson is perpetually 'The Man'- Schindler's List

-The soldiers on the opposing side are the worst shooters ever... unless it comes to shooting your best friend, then their aim is perfect- any war movie ever

-If you're a teenager and someone invades your country, you should definitely form a guerrilla group- Tomorrow When the War Began

-Run faster you Bastard- Gallipoli

-If there is a disaster or a war, and you are working with an attractive member of the opposite sex, the death and destruction will definitely force them to lower their standards to go out with you- every movie directed by someone who is haunted by their high-school rejection by the popular kid.

I definitely watch too many movies, however I'm going to assume that the media coverage of war zones is limited quite like the foregrounding in movies.

For a war zone to make the Western  Media, there are certain qualifications to achieve regarding death and destruction

Essentially the formula goes:
10,000 Muslims = 1,000 Asians = 100 non-English speaking Europeans = 50 English Speaking Westerners = 1 White American

However if a battle has the potential to spark the much-hyped World War III (what a great movie would that make!) then the story will be all over the news for about a fortnight until everyone gets board and starts reporting on the story of a man on a surfboard getting hit by a dolphin. (See North Korea, See Syria, See Russia, See majority of Africa, See the Middle East for approximately 20 years)

Essentially if you are a White American, preferably middle-to-upper-class, famous would be better, then congratulations! News of your death will reach all corners of the globe and we'll probably hear about it for the next three years. If you are non-English speaking, non-Christian background, poor with a dark-complexion- sorry better luck next time.

Sad Bitch Guide to the Fundamentals of Reporting and Beyond

If we're going to talk about the fundamentals of reporting, really the best way I can describe it to you is that essentially to be considered credible it has to be as boring and laid-out as possible. 

The whole point of journalism is to have an angle, but you have to find a way to push your point without the stating of opinions, emotive language, unorthodox sources or making things up (obviously this is the challenge for me). It means you have to be a bit careful/sneaky in how you push your angle or objective, but I suppose that is what ethics are for (once again maybe not for me). 

But what really are the fundamentals of journalism? In order to really understand journalism, we have to look into the role of a journalism, why they are essential to society and why despite all this, they are still a massive pain in society's nether-regions. 

Journalists are called 'knowledge workers,' which basically means journos are noisy and always trying to find a news story for their usual mediocre newspaper (my local newspaper is an example of this). However what can and can't be printed is a big part of journalism- the idea of 'on' and 'off' the record is fairly sacred and privacy of sources is highly regarded (at least it is in any B-Grade Hollywood movie). However, the platform and ways in which a journalist writes is almost as important as having genuine and reliable sources.

In print media, news stories should be clear and straightforward, with a strong lead so the audience can read the title and already know how they should feel about a story without actually reading the article (people are lazy and often avoid thinking for themselves). It is usually in this title or 'lead' where a journalist can be sneaky and put in a damning opinion without burying the hatchet in their own article.

We all thought the same thing.

Photography does come into play in stories, because nothing says important like a big colour photo that takes up half the front page.

Television often plays into these visual cues, because if you have a video or photo of something, once again it must be true (even though this was probably the most dramatic of the six versions that were taken/ filmed.)

Essentially when you are reporting you should be dealing with facts, and only the facts, because it stops you from being the victim of 'kite-flyers,'- those who like to show how  'in tune' they are to the world and purposely humiliate people and journalists over the internet to prove some point.

The Internet itself is complete game-changer, so articles are obviously designed for this different platform and often audience. Online news-stories often need visual cues- relevant or not. Essentially if Miley Cyrus has done something rebellious, photos of her at the MTV Music Awards in 2013 is totally the appropriate photo for the present story, no matter what it is.

This photo will never not be relevant. 

So at the end of this all I can say is how a story is written or how it 'leads' is not always they position a story would actually always take- lets be slightly lazier and read the first three lines or something before posting our 'informed' opinions all over the internet.

Sad Bitch Guide to the Lingerie Football

I'm going to go against everything intrinsically feminist and say the controversial Legends Football League is probably one of the greatest sporting initiatives of the century.

The Legends Football League, or 'Lingerie Football' as it has been dubbed as a more obvious description, originated in the early 2000s as a pay-per-view alternative Super Bowl half-time show for horny old men. Proving quite quickly to be successful (for obvious reasons), the original 'Lingerie Bowl' soon graduated to the Lingerie Football League, and eventually dubbed the Legends Football League (the name is probably as modest as the game gets). 

The game, which follows a modified version of American Gridiron, is a  7-on-7 women tackle football league, which, as the very name suggests, is played  in lingerie. The barely-there uniform, involving various forms of suggestive 'performance apparel'- which is basically they same uniform as the underwear previously minus the extra lace- and extends to a hockey-style helmet, altered shoulder guards, knee-pads, and elbow pads. 

The garter is my personal favourite piece of 'performance apparel' 

As, with anything that depicts any human as a sexual being (ignoring the fact that even the Bible stimulates this is what we all are), the LFL was obviously met with criticism. Considered a brand of live soft-core pornography, the players are compared to objects and supposedly 'degraded', however critics seem to forget that the women who play in the LFL choose to play, well aware of what the uniform is comprised off. There is a strange feminist stigma associated with women who take part in anything that displays femininity or represents sexuality. 

More and more feminists are sucked into the fiery world of misandry (the counter theory of misogyny-  a hatred of men)

The stigma of sexuality runs deep, particularly in a world where sex sells. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with women who chose to take the majority of their clothes off and play football (and not in a totally lesbian way). There is a strength in these women who play a traditionally male game and still keep their femininity. Unfortunately in the sporting world, in order to be taken seriously as athletes, sportswomen everywhere forsake their femininity. During the 2012 Olympic Games, 800 metre Kenyan female runner Caster Semenya had her gender called into question due to her masculine appearance. To break this down, someones womanhood was questions because her body (one of a professional athlete) was considered to be too masculine, and her hair as cut short, like most other woman athletes/women over 40. To have your gender discussed in a global debate is probably not the most endearing thing in the world. It goes without saying Semenya was cleared for competition as a woman, probably due to her lack of penis.

Semenya, whose gender was called into question due to her lack of breasts and excessive facial hair when in reality it was due to a sports bra and because waxing is overrated (Women get facial hair too! Jerks.)

Considering the sporting world (a traditionally male domain) prevents women athletes from being feminine and tough, I admire the players of the LFL, who along with looking fantastic, can scare the crap out of me from how hard they can tackle. It proves that a woman can be strong and sexy without cutting all of her hair off and denying the existence of boobs. 

Sexy but in a totally intimidating way. Plus I admire anyone who can still look good after running and being tackled for 80 minutes- My power walk resembles waddling and can barely make it up a flight of stairs without going red.

The majority of the women who play with the LFL are primarily just happy to be playing football at all, let alone televised, that the majority of the players don't really care about what they are wearing. The uniforms are relatively comparable to the attire of beach volleyball players, who, once again, despite a well-informed knowledge that the uniform is compiled of approximately 6 inches of material, choose to participate anyway.

I understand many people will ask why women cannot play sport wearing actually clothing, which is perfectly legitimate. But spectator sports, such as lingerie football, are based around the principal that sex sells. I personally don't understand why the notion of a woman's sexuality is rejected and considered a social taboo. You never hear of Men's Rights group up in arms about the annual Men of League calender (the release date pretty much warrants a national holiday), so why are woman not allowed to rip their clothes off and show everyone just how sexy, scary and sporty they can be all at once. 

To the players of the LFL, I salute you. If you got it, flaunt it.

I also salute to the NRL players featured in the annual Men of League Calender. 

I'm okay with this on so many levels. John Williams marry me

Sad Bitch Guide to News Values

In our last lecture, along with going around the room with everyone saying something that is currently in the news (which reminds me a lot of those annoying 'get-to-know-you' games they made us play on Year 12 camp for some reason), we discussed what makes a story newsworthy? There is an obvious prominence for news stores that contain certain 'values' if you will, values that seem to draw in a larger audience and keep their attention. 

After have a look at News website NineMSN, the main story is of course of international ghost plane, missing Malaysian flight MH370. Of course in a dramatic twist the main feature of the headline, is not the finding of debris in  the Southern Indian Ocean, but instead there is a major focus on a generic text message that was allegedly sent to the families of the victims. 

On the side of the NineMSN headline is a column of other 'newsworthy' stories, such as 'Boy recites every rude word he can,' 'Mad Miley spits on fans at concert,' and 'Kim Kardashian in tears over 'fat' Vogue cover.' As interesting it is too read about Heidi Klum's tropical nipple slip, somehow I personally feel that perhaps an article on the annexing of Crimea by Russia is somewhat slightly more important.

What we all care about seeing; Kim Kardashian in a botched photo shoot, and then her crying about it

In todays world, news is released according to how well it suits Western Media. The most prominent 'newsworthy' value is of course, death and destruction; However in order for death and destruction to make the news it must in someway effect at least one person from the Western world- white-skinned preferably. Death and destruction in the Middle East with 11 Iraqi civilians killed? Hardly a story. White Australian killed in car bomb in Middle East then its basically 9/11 all over again. Death and Destruction has happened in a Western nation? Even better. 

The story we are all still hearing about two years later. Don't even get me started on Michael Jackson or Amy Winehouse. Grieving is still permit for Paul Walker however (obvious physical reasons)

The next major 'value' is of course the 'celebrity factor.' Considering we now live in a world where some people look through Johnny Dept's rubbish bin and steals Britany Spears' underwear as a full-time job, celebrity news is pretty well regarded by an audience. Dead Celebrity? You will probably hear about it for the next few years.  

An often underrated news value is uniqueness of a story. Remember last week when a surfer hit a dolphin and it was on every news channel? And did anyone see the Courier Mail's coverage of a Korean baby that at age 18 months weighs in at 30kg? 

If we are discussion the Townsville Bulletin (one of the greatest newspapers ever! Where else can you read about local outrage because there are plans to put a few walkways along the streets leading up to Castle Hill for the usual 5pm walkers) one can only assume that most news prominence will be given to local North Queensland news, Australian interest pieces and the NRL league. I'm still surprised the Townsville Bulletin hasn't found a way to feature the Cowboys or Jonathan Thurston in every single article- they're at least mentioned in 75% of news pieces but I'm sure they will find a way to bring up the Cowboys 'stolen premiership of 2013' in an article about asylum seekers before the end of the year. 

News Values is simply a supply and demand of information; the majority of the Western World would prefer to see a Celebrity with a wardrobe malfunction or hear that Nicole Kidman is pregnant for the sixth year straight than be bothered by serious international problems, such as Russia re-enacting Hitler's Nazi Germany. 

The most positive thing I can say about the media is that we, as an international community can still band together to make fun of Korean dictator and all-around jerk, Kim Jong Un. Keep up the good work Media!

A meme to end all memes

For more on Kim Jong Un, follow this website!